The King of Monera is Dead

My fellow subjects…I have terrible, terrible news. Our great King, Spirilla IV, is dead. The kingdom is kingless. Which can mean only one thing. Monera is no more! Say goodbye, my friends, to the kingdom of Monera, for even as we speak it is fracturing around us, dividing as rival factions fight for control. Mourn with me, on this sad, sad day, for the king has fallen, and Monera will soon follow.

Actually I kind of lied.

There never was any king of Monera named Spirilla. There never was any king at all, for that matter. There was a Monera. Except it wasn’t a kingdom. Well…technically it was, but not in the way that most people think of a kingdom. It didn’t have peasants and nobles and war and intrigue. It had bacteria.

That’s right. Bacteria. Because you see, Kingdom Monera isn’t a place. It’s more of a classification. You know, like Animal Kingdom, Plant Kingdom, Fungus Kingdom. (Or, if you really want to get technical, Animalia, Plantae, and Fungi. But we don’t want to do that. Those are weird Latin words, and foreign languages are to be avoided at all costs.)

But, when I said that Monera was no more, I wasn’t lying about that. You see, biologists, being the smart people that they are, one day had a little pow-wow and decided hey, Monera? Yeah, totally outdated. Screw Monera. We don’t need them anymore. So are we all agreed, Monera sucks? Good. Let’s get rid of it.

So that’s what they did.

The Kingdom Monera underwent a split (or SPLIT!, if you will), and became the Kingdoms Archaebacteria and Eubacteria. I just blew your world with that one, didn’t I? Yeah, you know I did. I bet your eyes are popping out of your skull in sheer amazement right now. Two (count ‘em, two) kingdoms, from one? What insanity is this! Well…it goes a little bit like this:

Scientist One: Hey, Bob, I discovered some new things about some bacteria.
Scientist Two: Really Ted? Nice job. What do we do now?
Scientist One: Gee, I don’t know…maybe we should separate the bacteria all over again according to this new data.
Scientist Two: Huh, nice idea. Hey, Ted, do you know what’s for lunch?

Utter insanity, I know. (CRAZYIFY!) But that is a bit like what happened (maybe. I actually have no idea). Some scientists one day realized hey, this Monera thing actually looks like a big group made of two smaller groups…We should specify it. Which is where Archaebacteria and Eubacteria came from. (Reiterating that. It’s important. Remember it.)

Now many of you will by now be wondering, I’m sure, hey…just what is this new data? You haven’t mentioned it at all yet in this rambling explanation of yours. To which I would respond, keep your pants on already. Sheesh, I’m getting to it…

And here it is. One day a scientist came to a great realization. Great Scot Batman! This bacteria’s cell membrane contains unusual lipids! (Cue gasps of horror and astonishment here.) The scientific community was naturally thrown into complete and utter chaos. (CHAOTIC!) This discovery of unusual lipids was…earth shattering. It redefined….well, it redefined the Kingdom Monera. (And that’s about it, really. Cause in all honesty…who gives a crap?)

That isn’t all though. Oh yes, there’s more. Another scientist, (or maybe the same one. The guy could have been on a roll. Some unusually good coffee that day, maybe.) upon closely examining the structure of the bacterial cell wall (different from the cell membrane. Note that. It is somewhat kind of important.), realized that egad! These cells have no peptidoglycan in their cell walls! And for those who might be wondering, peptidoglycan was a previously thought to be a vital piece of the cell wall. (Actually, that’s probably a complete lie. I really have no idea what people thought about peptidoglycan, but with a name that’s five syllables long, it better be pretty damn important, otherwise someone deserves to get smacked.)

Smackability of some people aside, there is one more reason why the Kingdom of Monera was destroyed. And I know this is going to come as a huge shock to you all, but this one is actually important. (Really, it is. I’m not kidding about that. Much.) See, one last thing was realized. Some of Monera’s bacteria contained ribosomes and genetic similarities to eukaryotic cells.

I know. You are speechless.

For those among you who have no idea what I just said, (please, be almost everyone, because if you actually knew this beforehand, that scares me) here’s a little explanation. Ribosomes turn converted DNA into actual physical traits. DNA is the equivalent of genes, so genetic similarities means some stuff was the same in DNA, more than expected. And Eukaryotic cells are the smart cells (because only something smart would have such a messed up spelling). They are more complicated and advanced than their prokaryotic brothers, and therefore further evolved. End of explanation. I shall say nothing more, because I know I’m just going to throw you into a boiling cauldron of What The Hell? That Makes No Sense!

Anyways, these scientists realized that on their hands they had two types of bacteria, both inhabiting Kingdom Monera. Smart celled bacteria and stupider celled bacteria. So like any good guardian they decided that the smart and stupid cells shouldn’t interact, and so they separated them. Smart became Archaebacteria, stupid Eubacteria.

Now I suppose the next logical thing to do would be to talk about Eubacteria and Archaebacteria. But I’m not feeling overly logical right now. So for the purposes of this piece of writing, ignore any specifics about either of those (because that’s what we did in class, actually). You now know everything you need. Mainly, that Monera is gone. (Actually, some might argue that it is still used (because it is) but get with the program. We’re weeding it out. Just let it go. You have to give it up sometime and learn to be your own person without it. Now’s the time.) It’s Archaebacteria and Eubacteria now.

Kind Spirilla IV of Monera is dead. It’s all King Blue-Green Algae I and King Streptococci I now. So say your good byes, get over it, and all hail the kings.